Everhaven: Tears Falling for Cedars

Today was a very low day on the emotional rollercoaster that is home renovation. In preparation for the digging that needs to happen this coming Tuesday to install the line to the city water, the cedar trees over our driveway - on the south side of the house - needed to be trimmed back. This included one tree lining the west side of our property (the front side of the house) and the trees hanging down over the south edge that actually belong to the neighbor but hang down over the privacy fence. The excavating company plans on piling up the dirt next to the fence and needs clearance to do it. So, Dan went and talked to our neighbor, Arnie, about trimming up his trees and Arnie is such a great and helpful neighbor that not only did he say "sure!" to trimming his own trees, he offered to help Dan with ours. "This is wonderful!" we thought, because Arnie had the tools and even a friend with a wood chipper for hauling away the branches. This was going to work out so well!

Well, they wasted no time Saturday morning getting to work. Before I was even up and going myself, I could hear the pole saw roaring and I had somewhere to be so I busied myself with getting ready. No big deal. Just a casual Saturday morning with some errands to run and a trip to see friends a little later in the day. When I left the house, I stepped out and only noticed the southern most tree on the west side line of trees (the one over the driveway) was as I had gasped "bald!" But I figured at least the excavating equipment should clear going under it and I kissed Dan good-bye and went on my way. I took Maddie along so she wouldn't be in Dan's way and I kept her out much later than we had planned when we discovered a parade was going on in Cambridge, the town we had travelled to to meet up with some regional friends in a location more central to all of us.

It was well after dark when we drove up our street and my headlights swung into the driveway. I looked up the trimmed trees, looking for what used to be my low hanging cedar branches. My eyes travelled further and further upward. It was dark out, but one of the things I immediately noticed was the bright light streaming into my yard from the entry lights at the school. Normally the lights would stream down the driveway, but not through the trees, which worked nearly as well as a privacy fence would. Well, if the fence were suspended from the powerlines above, hanging downward. I am 5'2" and there were some branches I had to duck under to reach the street. I liked it that way and immediately knew it was gone. I went in the house and said so to Dan right away but I wouldn't feel the full impact of the loss until this morning.

Before leaving for services this morning, I first looked out of my windows. The swaying sprigs of green that hung so gracefully and that I could see from the main window facing westward from my living room were gone. In fact, at first glance I had to look a second time in deciphering which thin wooden column was tree and which was power pole. My heart sank. Looking out the newly installed front door, from my love seat, I had to crank my neck to see the green from the neighbors yard (the trees that hung over the fence). These were two of the views that I really enjoyed. Of course the one through the new door being just a couple of weeks old, but already much appreciated. The stark brown bricks from the school across the street are now just there. No foilage to soften that view. I went outside to take a closer look. As soon as I walked out into what once was such a great, and to me almost magical, front yard I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. It looked as devastated as I felt looking at it. I got into our van to leave, practically scolding myself really, "there's no use crying over trimmed trees!" But the full realization of it had taken hold and before I knew it, I was rummaging through the glove box to find napkins in which to blow my nose and wipe my tears.

There were a handful of reasons for crying. For one, I really love trees! I like to look at them, I like to sit under them, I like to lie in my bed and watch them sway. It's meditating really. When I was little, I would even lie in bed and watch them sway, asking God to make the branches move this way or that to communicate to me that He was there and listening. So just losing the green is hard for me. But then I started to think about the vision I had of this place. Our Everhaven. I picked the exterior colors and styles of windows, doors, and siding all for the purpose of playing up on the cozy cottage feel. In fact, the trees surrounded the house in such a natural embrace that the views out the windows were a cozy extension of what I felt indoors. When I surveyed the area, in the northwest most corner of the yard, my heart sunk even further. That little corner was the area we first landscaped this past summer. At the very corner were two trees standing intimately close to each other, we called them the "love trees" because the one was "hugging" the other with two branches on either side of it. One of it's "arms" is now gone and the branches trimmed so high that the little animal and bird sanctuary I had envisioned for the space feels next to impossible. I had planned to hang bird feeders and houses throughout those low hanging branches, we had placed our bird bath in that corner. But then again, maybe the animals and birds wouldn't have liked their little sanctuary to be so close to the street and probably the "love trees" would have only grown to kill each other, but I am not sure I will be able to stand to find out. To me it looks so stark and barren I want them all cut down, but people have been telling me that maybe next spring they'll fill out again, though I can't imagine the look we had will be restored. I cried even harder when I imagined how many years it might take to even come close. Our house had been nestled back behind this veil of green and I am in mourning, not only for my cedars but for a vision that may now take years to recapture.

I'm not angry with Dan or Arnie. Dan feels terrible, he's the one that had to listen to me cry all the way to church this morning, and Arnie was just trying to do us a favor. They just got a little carried away and I wasn't home to say anything. I don't like looking out of my windows right now, but I can imagine that next spring I can choose some new trees. With the new windows in, I was agonizing over what to do for window treatments because I liked the natural view so much with the colonial grates in the windows that I wanted them completely unobstructed, but now I think until we can plant new green things to look at we'll slap the mini blinds back up. Dan and I joked while in the store earlier that maybe we could buy some artificial Christmas trees and put them up so we have green to look at. Hopefully, when the real snow falls and we get some Christmas decorations up, and the siding up of course, it won't look as bad on the outside either. Until then, I just gotta suck it up. Even if I cry from time to time when looking at what was.